Us and them
- John DeSantis
- Jan 25, 2020
- 2 min read
Updated: Feb 25, 2020
When you have kids, some time after when the honeymoon phase is over a pecking order is established. Parents may inadvertently allow it to shift into a dictatorship following what appears to have been a silent coup. You and your partner were once responsible for your individual and collective happiness. There were things you liked doing together and apart, traditions you had, bonds you formed. It was going pretty well. Then an iceberg hit your ship in the form of a piss/poop machine comprised mostly of soft skin, wrist rolls, and a hair trigger temper.
You also had defined roles and identities. You knew what was what, and your role in your corner of the world. Now, you had a different role day by day, like some sort of matador at the demolition derby. Sometimes it felt like you were trying to just keep your head above water, patching holes in the ship with band aids. You and your partner were once a well-oiled machine and now most days seemed like the wheels fell off the machine while it’s rolling down a hill with no brakes.
There are times you both feel alone, times you feel increasingly agitated, and through all of it you try to do your best to keep your children at the front of the pack: "women and children first" was the old saying. But there's no them without us, and a healthy us allows them to fall into the calm of a steady ship.
When you're stressed everyone around you follows suit, so your priority should never truly be kids first. If there's an emergency on a plane and they drop down the oxygen masks that you never want to have to see, the flight attendants tell you to put your mask on first, then put your child's mask on. That's pretty sound advice for any situation, if you keep your own well-being in mind, that allows you to be in the right place to take care of those around you. Think more family first or love first than kids first.
Likewise you and your partner need to take care of the relationship that got you there in the first place. The framework and the stories above you in the building will crumble without the foundation you forged together. And if you’re a single parent doing it on your own, I don’t have much advice other than to say you’re a beast and just keep listening to the advice those good voices in your head are giving you. Take the time you need for what you need, you’ll be in a better place for it and your kids will be better off in the long run, you can’t run in beast mode 24-7/365.
Listening to:
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